My traumatic birth story - my first born

Sabin Storm’s Birth Story

It all began on the 28^th of January 2013. My baby was already two weeks overdue and I was to be induced that day. Sarah, my best friend and my husband Justus accompanied me to the antenatal ward at the Royal Hospital for Woman in Randwick, one of the suburbs located in the eastern part of Sydney, Australia. It was a cool summer morning in January and rain clouds were looming overhead, threatening us with rain. The first thing that happened when I went into the room was having my cervix checked so that the midwife could determine if my cervix had in fact opened up over the weekend and since my last appointment, which I’d had on the 21^st of January. On that day when Fiona (the midwife) had checked my cervix it had not opened up at all, it was completely closed and in a posterior position. On top of that my baby had not dropped, which is what triggers labor and your cervix to dilate or “open up”. I was carrying high throughout my entire pregnancy right until the very end.

The first thing the midwife did was check on the baby. She monitored his heart rate for about 45 minutes before deciding to check on my uterus. The position of the cervix and how open it was would determine if my waters would be broken that day or if I was to be induced instead. As I lay down put my feet together and flopped my knees to either side, the midwife checked my cervix again. It was softened, and starting to open slightly but still extremely posterior. Sabin did not want to budge, and as far as he was concerned, my womb had become his favorite place.

It was at this point that they decided to administer the prostaglandin gel onto my cervix. The gel is used to soften and help dilate the cervix and to bring on the contractions. The gel was administered at 11am. Sarah, my husband, and I then went downstairs to have coffee; I had tea because I did not want to stress out bubba. I started feeling a little strange and some pain, nothing to write home about so Justus and I decided to go back upstairs. In the room the contractions slowly started to get more painful, I remember thinking to myself this isn’t so bad. The midwife decided to check my cervix again and it had opened up about 1cm, While she conducted the examination Sarah held my right hand while Justus held my left, all I remember was that the pain was excruciatingly uncomfortable the most horrible feeling. Eventually my parents arrived at about 5pm and came to the hospital right away after arriving at central station.

In the following hours after my parents arrived, I can remember a blur of events. The contractions began feeling like intense pressure on my bowels and anus. At this point the pain was still manageable. I kept walking around the ward to encourage labor to begin. I walked with Sarah, walked with my mum, and walked with my husband on separate occasions. The pain slowly intensified as the night progressed. At one point I took panadeine forte to help with the pain, the medication dulled the pain momentarily maybe for about thirty minutes. The pain only intensified further as the medication wore off. Eventually those painkillers acted like placebos compared to the intensity of the contractions and were only a temporary fix. It became increasingly hard to walk, at this stage of my labor, maybe around 10pm they offered me a warm bath. I went in there with Justus, but the water wasn’t hot enough I told him to pour more hot water in because I wanted it to be scalding I didn’t care about the heat. The pain was so bad at that stage that I began moaning louder and louder, it is very animalistic experience and when contractions worsen you become oblivious to your surroundings and increasingly aware of what is happening to your body. Looking back now it was like I was on some weird drug like mushrooms or ecstasy, except with intense pain accompanied by eurphoria.

It was at this stage that the midwives decided to do an internal exam again, and judging from the sound of my cries they assumed it must have opened farther. When they checked my cervix it had opened up to 3cm. Again, the internal exam was extremely painful but worth it because it meant that I was going to be transferred to the delivery suite. At this stage of the labor I could barely walk and the contractions were becoming much more regular and extremely painful. I lost sense of myself and was wheeled in with a wheelchair to the delivery suite; I could no longer hold myself in an upright position.  

In the delivery suite, we put on some music, and I continued to labor throughout the night. It was midnight when I looked at the clock and realized that no progress was made except for the fact that the pain was getting worse, the contractions were extremely close and every time I had one I got this overwhelming sense I wanted to push, poop, or explode I don’t know which but all three choices were extremely painful and unbearable to think of. The dull period type pain became more like jagged knives being thrust into every part of my abdomen, like I either needed to shit so bad, or that my insides were going to explode and that I was literally about to die right there and then on that excruciatingly uncomfortable bed. I was being murdered from the inside out. The pain really is indescribable; it is something that can only be felt in order for it to be properly understood. When I thought about contractions before that day I thought to myself that they would simply be a little worse than menstrual cramps, was I mistaken.

The night continued and I started getting back-to-back contractions. Meanwhile it was storming all night, the rain poured outside, I was sweating, then I was cold, and I was so incredibly thirsty. Sarah kept giving me water. I had no rest between contractions and I could no longer cope. The midwife came and said do you understand your pain relief options? I looked at her and was slightly delusional. I told her “yes gas and epidural!”. She then informed me that I could have morphine. I said “Really, morphine? Are you sure? But is it safe for the baby?” Immediately my mother was opposed, Justus started googling the side effects of having morphine on the baby. Justus then agreed with my mother and said that he did not think it was a good idea. As he said that, the midwife came back in and said that the baby can have withdrawals and they can give something to the baby to reverse it. That was all I needed to hear, I said I did not feel safe about taking it, even though my uterus and bowels felt like they were on fire. The pressure was so intense, and I just felt like I constantly needed to push, it felt as though my insides were going to explode out of my body each time I was having a contraction and I was having two or three a minute.

At this stage, the night became a distortion of events, there were a couple of moments when I had a contraction and right afterward I would feel this huge sense of euphoria. This helped me manage for a little while. Then the time finally came when they had to do another internal, I was petrified because every time they did an internal the pain was ten times worse with each exam. I was so scared and new it was going to hurt like crazy, I didn’t want her to do it and I was refusing and shaking my head in my delusional, semi-conscious state. The midwife informed me that once she checked she could break my waters and then it would speed up the labor. I freaked out and new I would not be able to handle the pain, Sarah and Justus both encouraged me, I remember Sarah telling me it will be good if you do because then labour will progress otherwise labor won’t progress and it will be worse to which I replied “I can’t do it! I’m in so much pain! I don’t want to have another contraction while she breaks my waters!”. Finally, they both convinced me, I lay down with Sarah holding my hand on one side and Justus on the other. Once again, I put my feet together and flopped my knees side to side. She looked inside and said my cervix had opened up 5cm and she could break my waters. She took out the long amniohook and proceeded to break my waters. I screamed so loudly, it was the most painful experience, and as the warm liquid ran down my bottom, I felt the most intense period pain, and the contractions got even worse, about ten times worse. I never thought they could get any more painful than they had already been.

The midwife who broke my water finished her shift; the new midwife came in, as the change over occurred the contractions became so much more intense and closer together. Just when I thought there could not be any more pressure, each contraction brought with it a huge surge of pain that radiated down my legs, and through my anus and vagina. It felt like someone was poking a fire stoker into my abdomen and intestines and colon. My insides seemed as though they would explode out at any moment. To be quite honest the best way to describe a contraction or an “induced contraction” is in this way, rather than a fire stoker it felt as though (now this will sound really horrible) that I had a bowling ball sized poop lodged somewhere in between my rectum and cervix, and that this poop was as hard as platinum and didn’t want to come out, and that it was on fire all at the same time, yes I think that is a better description for the type of contraction I was having. Oh and they were not spaced one minute apart (as promised by the midwife) but rather, I was sometimes having them back to back. It was so painful that I think if you were being murdered with and axe and then being poked inside your vagina with a double edged sword at the same time it wouldn’t even compare to a contraction.

I don’t know how long this was going on for, but eventually the midwife said you can use gas.  I had tried it for a brief second and was aware that is was there but when I tried it I threw the ventilator into the air and screamed, “no it doesn’t work, it’s crap”. She said, “It can really help you work through your contractions” I didn’t really know how to use it, and just as I said that another contraction began and the midwife showed me how to use it she picked it up and said “Ok when another contraction begins breath in deeply though your mouth and out through your nose”. I did as she instructed, and breathed the gas in throughout my contraction. It didn’t make the pain go away but it stupefied me enough where I got a little high and the contraction didn’t feel as bad. Now all I can say is this to future preggers out there, don’t ever be astonished at what other women do during their labour because when your in the moment anything can happen especially if you have been induced. I threw the gas mask in the air, as it really was not helping. Little known to me at the time I had only dilated 3cms during this whole experience. Nothing was happening. The contractions were erratic and I was not getting a break for even a second. I was moaning like a wolf howling at the moon and nothing was happening.

My cervix was not even dilated when the midwife had checked the few days prior to this experience. My cervix was not ripe and I am baffled as to why they would recommend for me to have an induction. It was guaranteed to fail.

The pain continued unabated and I was on all fours on this extremely uncomfortable bed. I remember feeling as though I had rug burns on my knees and that’s how much time I was spending crouched over in pain on my knees. This continued on into the night with nothing really progressing. The midwives were shockingly nonchalant and uncaring. They offered me no help or advice as to how to position myself or how to birth this baby. It was shocking that this was happening to me, and that I had stupidly allowed them to do whatever they liked to my body.

Things got from bad to worse when the midwife came in and told me that my cervix was not dilating quick enough and that they would have to administer Pitocin via IV drip. I asked them how bad the contractions would become then. They said they would intensify and the pain would be worse than what they had been. It was at this point in time that I realized that my body had failed me and that I could not handle this type of artificially induced labour pain. I asked my best friend to get the midwife and to tell her that I wanted to have an epidural. I think at that point I had been in there for 18 hours. I had only reached 3cm and it seemed as though my body was going to explode.

My mother attempted to stop me. And I said to her I need this. In hindsight I know that there were too many people involved with my birth experience and that no one should have been there except for my husband. I ended up having the epidural. Just before the anesthesiologist administered the medication he gives me, what seemed like a novel at the time, pages and pages of information regarding the epidural I looked at it with my blurry vision, hunched over in pain and immediately handed it to my husband. There was no way I could give informed consent by reading a thousand page document regarding the risks of the injection. It was completely ridiculous.

They administered the medication. Slowly the pain subsided and everyone was able to rest. It was around 2am. The lights were dimmed. My husband and best friend fell asleep. My mum and dad paced the hallways and room. I tried to relax.

Suddenly it was 6am. All the lights were turned on and the registrar or head of the department came in with two residents (i.e. students). The room was filled with onlookers, nurses, doctors, cord donation, midwives, my parents, my best friend and my husband. It was a complete and utter circus. I was then poked, prodded, given and internal examination, my vagina was in full view of everybody. I felt helpless, drugged up and completely out of control. Finally, the registrar said to me “we are going to try to manually move your baby” he was now stuck with his head in a transverse position. The doctor (in front of all the staff and my family and friends) put his whole arm up my vagina and tried to turn my baby while I attempted to push. He tried a few times to no avail. Finally he said to me. If we can’t turn your baby we are going to have to prepare you for a c-section”. Upon hearing those words I burst into tears because I left the USA precisely for that reason. To not have an interventionist birth. The staff prepped me for surgery. My mum started to help I was so embarrassed and told her to move out of the way. If you can imagine a little Italian woman attempting to move me from my bed to the operating table while all the doctors and nurses were preparing to move me together.

The whisked me away to the operating theatre for an emergency caesarian; I was completely bewildered and sad at that point. Once we were there the doctor prepared me by telling me that they were going to try two more times to manually move my baby. SO we got into the operating theatre he tried two more times, and used two different types of forceps with no luck. They prepared for the operating table, covered my face with a sheet so that I couldn’t see anything, and they cut me open. I remember hearing my baby cry and the doctor saying “A beautiful, healthy baby boy” and my husband and I were in tears it was so emotional and so exhausting. I held him for a little while but I couldn’t hold onto him for long because I was shaking uncontrollably. They took him away and the room cleared while the residents stitched me up. I remember not feeling a thing from the waist down except for being tugged hard left and right.

I finally saw my baby in the recovery room and they immediately put him to my breast. At that point I didn’t care about how he came into the world. He was healthy and he was perfect. However, over the next few months and even years I always remembered hi birth in a very negative way. I felt depressed when I thought about it. I felt like my body was broken, and I felt like I had been treated like a science experiment rather than a human being. In these situations mothers don’t matter any longer all that matters is that they get that baby out no matter how horribly they treat the person carrying the baby.

It was traumatic, excruciatingly painful, I felt used, defeated and extremely embarrassed.

I have not written in quite a while and have decided to update what has happened since I was pregnant the first time. I had him, obviously, and now he is three years old and he also has a little sister who is now six months old. I think the hardest part of becoming a mother is that there are so many unknowns you are constantly asking yourself: "Am I a good mother"; "Am I doing this right"; "Are they learning"; "Am I putting enough effort in?"
Nobody warns you how difficult it will be and will become. I have spent three and half years being a mother and I can say one thing it is so hard but contrast to this difficulty mothers face every day there is also an abundance of rewards and joy. Now, one thing I can say is for sure is that the internet is littered with rubbish on how to do this and how to do that. I use the internet as a resource to help me be a better mother; however, I rely mostly on gut instinct combined with my feminine natural inclination to be a mother, which I find comes naturally for me even though some times I want to pull out my hair and at other times I feel like closing the door and never coming out.
This blog is taking a new direction. I am going to write about my life as a mother and what I do to fill our days with as much joy and happiness that I can muster. Included will be recipes based on a gluten free and paleo diet, educational information for mothers who are entering the realm of motherhood, and photography.

Enjoy